Gary's Guide to eating at Five Guys Burger & Fries

FG Customer: "There's got to be a burger in here somewhere?"
Reaches into paper bag, removes 12 paper napkins, digs through six inches of fries…
"Ah - there it is."

If you've dined at Five Guys Burgers & Fries, you no doubt have experienced a similar situation. The question is, did you eat all your food and use all those napkins? We're here to help with a special guide to making the most out of your next visit to Five Guys. Read on.

FGBG opened their first location in 1986 on the east coast. They've been expanding ever since. The company began opening stores in the Pacific Northwest in 2012 and now has dozens of locations in the region. The burgers and fries are the best part about what they do, with other items like their hot dog choices sorely lacking. So stick with the burgers and the fries and you'll be good.

When you reach the counter to order, there's a lot of sorting you'll need to do to get what you want. Burger choices are ½ lb. aka 'Regular,' or ¼ lb. aka 'Little.' Last we checked, a quarter pound of protein was the recommended serving by the USDA, so how  ½ lb. became 'Regular' is beyond us. Trust us, you don't need an 1,100 calorie burger in one sitting, unless you're an elephant.

Then there's the toppings. You can choose from over two dozen. The first time you go through the process it's mind boggling. You'd better check your order and be sure they got it right. You'll get better doing this each time you return as you play like a broken record ordering the same toppings on your burger again and again, but please, check that order every time, because you'll have another 10 minute wait if they blow it.

Ditto on the fry sizes which even the 'Little' clocks in at an astronomical 600+ calories. This is because when you get your order, there will be a 10oz. cup of fries topped off with an equivalent amount spilling into the rest of the bag. You don't need the large fry - unless you're an elephant.

The healthiest part of a potato is the skin. So just eat the ones with skin on them and toss the rest. You don't need the carbs. You'll be amazed at how many fries you're going to throw away, but this magazine is all about doing the right thing for your body, otherwise we'd have all died a long time ago.

It's well known that elephants like peanuts. We're pretty sure Five Guys thinks you might be an elephant, offering you fresh peanuts in the shell to nosh on while you wait for your made-to-order food to be prepared. But you're not an elephant - right? So skip the peanuts as it's just one more way to pack on a few more calories during your visit.

In fact, if you're allergic to peanuts, Five Guys just isn't your place. Signs abound warning that there are peanut proteins used in the food, and those fries are cooked in peanut oil as well.

Did you forget to put salt on your eggs at breakfast today? No problem, Five Guys has you covered. According to USDA figures, between a regular size burger and fry combination you can get 1-3 days' worth of salt in one sitting at Five Guys. It's that easy!

You like napkins? You need a lot? How many? Your bag will be presented with a plethora of napkins intact, far more than the average joe, or elephant for that matter, would draw from a napkin dispenser - if one were available to patrons.

In Seattle, we're lucky to have composting, so you can take heart in knowing all the food, bags and napkins you chuck after eating are not going to the landfill. As for the rest of the locations, it's our hope that Five Guys is onboard to support composting in those communities and perhaps would consider offering it voluntarily… yeah - right.

Things are going well for the chain. The new northwest stores are busy. Heck we'd invest in them if they were public on the stock market, but instead we'll have to keep our money in with Chipotle Mexican Grill (NYSE:CMG).

If you haven't been to a Five Guys yet, you owe it to yourself to go. Hopefully this guide will make your visit a little more real.

Gary Meeker/August 2015

Gary Meeker is an independent writer living in North Seattle. He has provided neccesary screed to a number of Northwest publications for two decades. Five Guys is a weekly ritual for him whether he needs it or not - and who doesn't? You can follow him on Twitter or otherwise pay for entertainment this good.